greenteaplum1

So, I've made a final decision: because my finances are out of wack now, what else to stop buying to help it than food?

That way, I don't have to worry about it, worry about calories or what I am about to eat.

I'm going to live the poor life that I should have. And I am fine with it.

Food is just too much trouble, besides the fact that I've gained, I hate my body, and now I have some goals like:

- not being too heavy to pick up by bf
- not looking nearly as big as bf
- fitting into the perfect size jeans, well, perfectly
- not worrying what I look like on camera anymore
- finding myself satisfied with my body
- AND finally hearing my bf saying, "skinny" or even possibly, "too skinny"

THIS IS IT.

I'm going for it.

Age: 18
Current Weight: 95ish, 97 tops 
Highest weight (excluding pregnancy): 125ish, maybe 130 at one point 
Sex: female
Height: 5'4 
Lowest Adult Weight: 93
Ideal Weight: between 85-88, preferably 85.


For each of the statements below, please choose one of the following six responses:

Always
Usually
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
Questions

Am terrified about being overweight: Always

Avoid eating when I am hungry: Always (that's when you're most likely to binge...you should wait until you're full on water or something)

Find myself preoccupied with food: Sometimes (now that I eat less I'm less preoccupied with food)

Have gone on eating binges where I feel that I may not be able to stop: Rarely

Cut my food into small pieces: Usually

Aware of the calorie content of foods that I eat: Always, unless I'm binging, and even then I'll check.

Particularly avoid food with a high carbohydrate content: Often

Feel that others would prefer if I ate more: Usually

Vomit after I have eaten: Rarely... the only bulimic tendancies I have is compulsive exercising.

Feel extremely guilty after eating: Often.

Am preoccupied with a desire to be thinner: Always

Think about burning up calories when I exercise: Always

Other people think that I am too thin: Sometimes... idk.

Am preoccupied with the thought of having fat on my body: Always/Usually its mostly my muscle that I hate.

Take longer than others to eat my meals: Usually

Avoid foods with sugar in them: Usually

Eat diet foods: Always

Feel that food controls my life: Always

Display self-control around food: Usually

Feel that others pressure me to eat: Always

Give too much time and thought to food: Always

Feel uncomfortable after eating sweets: Always

Engage in dieting behavior: Always

Like my stomach to be empty: Sometimes

Have the impulse to vomit after meals: Always/Often, but can't so I exercise.

Enjoy trying new rich foods: Usually

Behavioral Questions

In the past 6 months have you:

A) Gone on eating binges where you feel that you may not be able to stop (eating much more than most people would eat under the same circumstances)? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? No, my binging isn't all that bad I have to admit, like I don't think I ever binged over 1000 calories. When I binge I just kinda graze on food for quite some time before I go, "Get a grib on yourself!" And I might have 1-2 binges a week. What I call a binge is something you eat outside of what you allowed yourself, so in other words a handful of cherios (or one) can be a binge for me.

B) Ever made yourself sick (vomited) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?  Less than a dozen times and I've only been able to get up spittle with little crumbs of what I ate/binged on... (very descriptive, sorry). That was just a panic from me, when I am logical about being worried from eating I just either restrict/fast the next day and/or exercise.

C) Ever used laxatives, diet pills or diuretics (water pills) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   laxative: no. diet pills: yes, unfortunately but I'm not dependant upon them, like I know just the best green tea diet pills will do, if anything, will temperarily speed up my metabolism, but I don't rely on them; I'll have one in the morning or afternoon when I need the metaboost. Water pills: yes. I retain water like a sponge. I probably take at least two a week.

D) Ever been treated for an eating disorder? When? No, doctor told me I had an ED but because I don't specifically fit in any other besides orthorexia nervosa, which is NOT a clinically diagnosed disorder, she (the doctor who she herself looked on the skinny side, pffft...) sent me to instead try to treat it mentally and that did not work because guess what, I'm not psycho, I've just got an ED. She in my opinion handled it extremely wrong. (the place she sent me to was a psychiatric ward which did not treat EDs). There are no adequate clinics out here who treat EDs which is why I suppose was sent there. The doctors here are teeerrrriiiiiible.

I can't describe what I'm feeling right now.

Totally rejected.

I want to crawl somewhere unknown and just... disappear. I don't know if I ever would want to be found. 

I feel that the only two people that would actually care in my life would be my mom and dad.

I bet everyone else will be shocked and whatnot... but soon enough, the world continues to turn and there's a new day.

Funny how such pain can be so, so unimportant, so insignificant.

I'm nothing.

I'm tired of crying.

I won't.

I'm tired of my life being so... meaningless. I've literally have no fire inside, no passion... it frustrates me because I want to be on fire for God, but life is such a mess I in turn just become one, expressionless, useless body polluting this world. I hate eating. I hate life. I hate how I'm completely useless. I'm nothing, regardless of what I've been told or what might actually be fact... its not. Or else things would be different.

I feel God has kind of shunned me in a way, just like everyone else. I think he has. I wouldn't feel so alone if I was wrong. I feel its not my fault. I'm sorry to family and friends... yeah food scares me, I don't eat, but why the heck does it mean that I'm the bad guy... I'm this disgusting, sinful person. I'm filthy. Why?? I want to not have control, is that a problem?? Is it such a wrong thing that I want to alter my appearance, just like someone who changes their makeup or dyes their hair? 

I know as a follower we're taught to love what God gave you and yadayadayada, but I never have. And I'm sorry, loosing weight only makes me like myself better, because it means I could do something progressive with my body. I can change it. I can make it better. I do thank God for giving me what I have, because I could be so much worse... I'm almost okay with my body. And I think I would be completely if I wasn't facing a plateau... 

But now I just don't care. I don't care how much I loose now.  You know, I do want to loose, but unfortunately I think the limit has been taken down. Before I set myself a goal and it was like, "Okay, five pounds. That's it." Well, five pounds... take off water weight, that's 2-3, even 5 pounds... water weight is nothing. So I set up a 10 pound ratio, but 15 pounds can be good too because if I gain about 5, I'll still be thin... but then I think, "no, 15 might be cutting it 20 sounds good," but 20 would probably put me in the hospital. Bottom line, I do want to loose and I do not want to loose a ton, but at the same time I'm also curious to see how far I'd go and also I know, once I start loosing I wouldn't care how much, as long as I am...

In some ways I think, somehow, I'd be establishing something. Not exactly in a way of seeking attention, but it's almost as if loosing weight means making myself known, I guess? Right now I just feel like a blob, just a nobody who can't have any control... mindless.

And when I hate food, I also hate the economy. I hate how Americans will just blatantly stuff themselves, gorging like a bunch of fat, wealthy gluttons... whereas, there are people in other countries that would actually want and NEED to eat, and barely have half in a month of what we eat in one meal. It also kind of upsets me that I'm denying what they would want, but if I could I'd give everything to them, and its not because I don't want to eat, its because I have such high respects for them. In some ways, even though our minds are distorted and food is the enemy, we're living in vain... these people are just dying... completely innocently, untainted. They're unintentionally starving. God bless them.

 I especially hate how people try to find the reason why we're such an obese country, well GUESS WHAT. LOOK AT FOOD LABELS. DO NOT TELL ME EVERYTHING IN THE INGREDIENTS ARE HARMLESS TO OUR HEALTH, AND TELL THAT TO AN OVERWEIGHT PERSON WHO EATS IT OFTEN. BULL. We are spoiled, rotten glutinous pigs who gorge on artificially made crap, who clear lands, ridding of plant life that is the real food. What makes you think organic foods are so expensive? It's because real food, all-natural foods are rare, a delicacy due to the lack of it. We're destroying land and vegetation, polluting the world, and feeding on fake food. Technology is our savior, convenience is key, and work is made easy. No wonder we're so fat. We're not doing what we're made to do. We're letting technology take over our lives. Have you seen the movie Wallie? Yeah. There's our future.

I've gone so long without food and I STILL HAVE NOT LOST ANY WEIGHT. WHAT THE HECK!?!? I'm sick of my body, I WANT CHANGE! I want CONTROL OVER HOW MY BODY CHANGES! I WANT TO CHANGE IT! How else can I say it!? I can't change anything else in my life, and now I can't even change myself. Everything is against me, everything seems to outsmart me-- even my own body. I don't understand how something so simple that I actually have the ability to do, can't happen.

I want to loose 10 pounds. Seriously, that's not a lot. That's it. I don't want to look like a skeleton, and I won't. But right now I just can imagine what people will be saying about me, "She's skinny... but a healthy skinny". NO. we all know healthy means no where near what we want...

Help me. I just want to change something. I just want change. Nothing has ever changed these last 3 years, to see something I desire happen... well, I can't imagine how happy I'll be. I can finally wear normal clothes... I can finally not hide. I'm tired of hiding, it's holding me back from my entire life.

Help me.

I think I've lost a little bit of weight, but let me put emphasis on a little. Meaning, I'm not little yet, but maybe soon? 

Today I didn't do so well. I just didn't, I don't know what to say other than I'm noy satisfied because I wasn't supposed to eat anything but I did.

Tomorrow, I plan on eating a nothing or 200 day. Flat out. I want to go to bed with an empty stomach. I want control.

For now on, I stay off of the following: sweets, meat, peanut butter, and anything else unhealthy. Organics and veggies and fruits only, with the exception of pure, non-sauced, unbattered seafood meat (lobster, shrimp, salmon, fish).

I need to follow a 2468 diet plan, I need to fast throughout the week. I think tomorrow I need to fast completely. No solid foods. Liquids only.

Wish me luck! I've got to loose these 10-15 pounds.

So... to start... I've been struggling with an ED (ana) for a almost a year now. And while I had some pretty good success up until I visited my friend in Cali (and ate like a cow), I've hit a brutal, bloody weight plateau... honestly I think even though I'm not eating as much as I did in Cali I've gained. I can't wear normal clothes anymore. I'm wearing baggy clothes like sweaters and stuff and its 90 degrees and humid outside... and I still feel self-conscious.

 I need to loose 10 pounds, then, finally I will be skinnier than my sister and I'll be happy I've actually lost actual pounds, I'll fit into my pants and for once I've found real control. Wow, doesn't that just sound from the heart of an eating disorder... how sad... and pitiful and vain... ridiculous, really. I know. I can say that every effort any ED person makes is futile whether their methods are progressive or not. Having an ED sucks, though, because that doesn't seem to faze us at all. We're like a bunch of horses tied down, blinded by guards and pulling our weights forward while Ana whips us with a pang of guilt and self-loathing, pushing us farther onto the path of destruction...

I hate to say it's gone too far by this time. I can't easily stop now that I know it's not some innocent thing anymore... like trying to be "healthy"; I know it isn't healthy anymore. I don't care. I just. Want. To. Loose... physically, not at the ana game, THAT I want to get the knack of.

I hate to be saying this, because I am a follower of Christ and I want to be more faithful and obedient to Him, too... oh, I know it seems like I'm a hypocrit and that everything I'm saying is so messed up. I know. But it is a constant tug-a-war between my faith and this ED, and honestly sometimes the ED is the stronger side. I'm supposed to treat my body as a temple, according to God's Word, yet I know going down this path is not only vain but damaging in every way. I think I'm reluctant to pray to God so I can love myself and what He has given me, because all I want to do is drop a few pounds.

I guess for once, and it's crazy I'm saying this, there wasn't a black and white line with this- and I am entirely a black or white type of person. I just wish I can have a die-hard type of faith and is able to loose a few pounds... not necessarily be an "anorexic", just 10 pounds. Is that too much!? Yet, loosing that means I've got to give up a lot and it scares me to think my faith is almost one of them. But I won't let that happen, I'm not going to let my ED take that kind of control. I know the effects of an ED, and I don't think I'll ever go that far, and that is why I've convinced myself 10 pounds is enough... hence this constant battle.

God, help me. I don't want to gain any weight. I'm completely opposed to that 100%. I just wish I can break this plateau cycle... and as scandalous as it is, I even prayed I would. I feel so. screwed. up. I feel guilty for that, and I'm feeling guilty for feeling guilty kind thing... if that makes any sense. For example, saying grace at the table... I feel guilty because I don't actually feel thankful to God I have this heap of lard on my plate, whereas other people probably don't have a plate at all and would graciously eat what I'd have... and vice versa.... I'd feel guilty because I AM so thankful for food... which usually makes me feel as if I'm a gluton.

Oh, jeeze this is so stupid. Why, God, did you give me so much muscle mass that I don't even USE. What would a 5'4 person need with all this muscle!? I want to hit a kind of energy taken from muscle-ketosis, guilt-free style... now that's a morbid fantasy.

10 more.